It hasn’t escaped my notice that the title of this blog post teamed up with the title of my last blog post is somewhat ironic.
So the long and the short of it all is that my cynicism towards Valentine’s Day as a concept has proven to be well rooted, as my would-be relationship to Mr Cruise came to an abrupt end some three weeks later.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I got dumped.
Now I don’t want this to turn into a total bitch-fest where I sit and slag off the perpetrator for however long it takes me to write this, because eventually we parted on good terms. I say eventually because I was perilously close to jumping in my car and driving 106 miles north and strangling him – but because I am moderately reasonable, and frankly it would have been a tremendous waste of fuel money that I could (and did) spend on beer and chocolate to numb the pain of rejection, I decided not to, choosing instead to shout at him a lot via the medium of text (because we established early on that we were never ever going to endure a phone call, it seemed fitting to maintain that ground rule to the end)
So, here at Morganifesto, we (and by “we”, I mean “I”, because obviously there is no “we”) have compiled our amazing and foolproof techniques for Dealing With A Break Up In The Most Dignified And Noble Way Possible.
Number 1 – Cry A Lot.
I pretend that I’m not really much of a crier. I cry when I’m hormonal and I cry if someone shouts at me, but other than that I try to just choke it down until the feeling passes.
However, on this occasion, I am not ashamed to say that I did do quite a bit of crying. And yes, it made me feel a lot better. Emotional tears help with the excretion of toxins that increase levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, as well as several other endorphins that are responsible for reducing pain. There we go, don’t ever tell me that Morganifesto isn’t educational. I’m full of science as well as wit and charm.
Still got dumped though didn’t I.
Also, after a long day in the salon, it was a pretty great way of getting rid of all the dog hair that was stuck in my eyes.
Number 2 – Avoid Social Networking
Sign out of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or any form of social media app or website where you may be tempted to have a good ol’ root around. Don’t habitually check their page for updates. Don’t sit outside their house with binoculars in the dead of night. Don’t kidnap their pets/children for ransom. Just, don’t do it. Until you have some sort of closure, it will only make you feel worse.
Number 3 – Find Your Support Network
Because I am physically incapable of keeping my mouth shut when something bad happens to me, the very first thing I did was tell two of my closest friends, along with strict instructions not to phone me because as previously discussed, I don’t like phone calls, especially when I’m producing sounds that are linguistically questionable at best. They were obviously very supportive and nice to me, shared their thoughts on the situation and offered me all sorts of body parts to cry on.
I didn’t tell my parents because I figured they would most likely prefer to swap me for Mr Cruise anyway*
*I’m joking. I told them and they were great about it.
Number 4 – Be Sad – But Know When To Stop
A lot of well meaning people kept telling me “don’t be sad over him, he’s not worth it”, which in truth is really not helpful to me at all. Something very important folks – EVERY. RELATIONSHIP. IS. WORTH. BEING. SAD. OVER. It doesn’t matter if you were together (or in my case, not together) for five months, ten months, a year or five years – if you’ve invested time and emotion into someone for any length of time, then they are absolutely worth being sad over. The key is knowing when to stop being sad and start moving on, and quite often this is a conscious decision. Don’t sit around being sad and wait for the feeling to pass, because it won’t. It isn’t going to be like flicking a switch and suddenly, all the painful memories are no longer painful – but you have to stand up and physically tell yourself that enough is enough, and that will be the first step to closure.
The turning point for me was one night I was driving home from visiting my friends in Eastleigh, and Opus 17 by The Four Seasons came on shuffle. For those who don’t know, Mr Cruise is, among other things, a singer, and does a lot of stuff by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. I was trying pretty hard to avoid their music in The Aftermath, because I was under the impression that the association would have forever ruined a band that I liked a lot, even before I met him. It turns out that this particular song is actually an excellent break-up song, and so I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone and listen to it the whole way through.
If you could have seen into my car, after I’d questioned how and why you’d managed it while I was hurtling down a dark road at…definitely the speed limit, you would have seen me giggling hysterically to myself the entire way through the song because it was just so fitting.
Also, fun fact – Frankie Valli did a song called ‘Breaking Up Is Hard To Do’, which is equally true, but less inspiring.
Number 5 – Keep Yourself Busy
This one was fairly straightforward because I was midway through teaching my apprentice how to groom a Shih Tzu when it happened. The timing wasn’t brilliant, I’ll admit, but in retrospect it was much better for me that way. That’s not to say that I want any of my future partners to wait until I’m mid-groom before they tell me it’s over, but it was kind of easier to process while I had something fiddly that I really needed to concentrate on.
The next day I went to the pub and that worked as well.
Number 6 – Treat Yo’self
Does this one even need explaining? Order a pizza. Eat the whole thing. Run a hot bath, light a shit load of candles. Watch the entire second season of Suits in 24 hours. Throw darts at a picture of their face. The possibilities are endless.
– – – – – – – – –
So children, what have we learnt today? Crying is biologically efficient. Social Media is dangerous and pizza is medicinal. Excellent. I want a 2,000 word essay on my desk by Monday.
I’d just like to wrap this up by making it clear that I mean absolutely everything in the most light-hearted and humorous way possible. There is absolutely no bad blood between us and, without going into too much detail, he dealt with the whole situation with as much grace and dignity as he could, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for him. It would be extremely unfair of me to paint him in any other light other than the very best.
I don’t have any other magic words of wisdom to impart, so instead I will leave you with the song I mentioned earlier for you to do what you wish with. Anything else I have to say will probably be better summed up by Frankie Valli, so I’ll leave the hard work to him.
Thanks for reading